Here We Are

**Trigger warning*** Mental Health, depression and anxiety discussed in this post. If you could potentially be affected by these subjects, please skip this post. Stay strong. <3

I know it has been months and months since I have posted. Last semester really kicked me in the face, and for the first time, I seriously considered giving up. The anxiety hit hard and the depression was the worst it had ever been. There were times I told Kyle that I just wanted to die. I am so incredibly lucky to have him in my life because he has been my rock through these heart wrenching times. I can’t imagine a life without him.¬† Anyways, I didn’t get on here to dredge through all the yuck. I’m here to encourage people who could be going through those things to just keep pushing. Although I am not 100%, I am most definitely on the mend. I am doing more to take control of my health. Kyle and I have been getting up early in the morning to hit the gym before he heads to work and I head to class. I have worked out more in the past two weeks than I have in the past year, and I am giving myself a ton of grace. I’m not lifting nearly as much as I used to, my lungs aren’t what they were, and my negative mindset is definitely hard to overcome at times. However, I am fighting. I am fighting to just be who I know I am capable of being. Instead of comparing myself to the old me, I am comparing myself to the me I know I can be. I know I am strong. I know I am capable. I know I can overcome. I got a job because I know sitting on my butt at home is only giving myself time to drown in the negative thoughts. I need to be active and I need to be involved. Luckily, the job is at a place that serves coffee and bagels, so I am a happy camper. (Donuts are not on the menu. Which is probably a good thing.) I plan to make an appointment with a therapist to help with some anxiety management so I can finally get some decent sleep and not feel like a zombie all day. I hope that this semester will be more manageable and significantly¬† more enjoyable. I am taking my first dedicated nutrition course on the Atlanta campus, and I am excited to finally take classes dedicated to my major. I also hope to be able to post on here more often. Thanks to everyone still hanging around. Sending so much love.

 

Gettin’ real…

*Trigger Warning- I’ll be talking about my body, mental health and insecurities. If these could possibly trigger a bad feeling or set you back on your mental health journey, please skip this post. I’ll be back next week with (FINALLY) a post about the house.*

This is me at what I would consider my best shape. My body did whatever I wanted it to. I was hitting PR’s, and I couldn’t walk past a mirror without flexing and LOVING what I saw. My body was transforming, and so was my mind. I was kicking the former “Michele’s” ass and taking names. I was at the gym 4 times a week, and I never missed a Monday. And then one day, everything came tumbling down. Depression set in and I hated stepping foot in the gym. I was hitting a plateau (something I was warned would happen) and I started second guessing myself. I would just sit and cry and I never fully understood why. A dark cloud hung over me, and I couldn’t explain what was happening. Family would tell me I had so much to be thankful for, and I needed to see that. *FYI* WORST thing to say to someone that is suffering from depression. We aren’t ungrateful, we are lost. I started slacking at the gym and eventually decided, maybe I just needed time away. I was burned out and needed a break. Well that was 10 months ago, and I’ve only been back to a gym maybe 15 times. I am nowhere near where I used to be,¬†and I HATE what I see in the mirror. Kyle and I went to Braves Opening Day and I cropped our first Opening Day photo (2011) next to this one and I was horrified. I didn’t even look like me. It’s not that I’m fat. I have fat without a doubt, but it’s that I’m just not “me” anymore. I have always been athletic and when I looked at myself, I knew I could do anything. I could lift anything. I could run without issue. But this week, I ran on Monday afternoon and my hips STILL hurt. I’ve let myself go, and I am so disappointed. I see people that used to work out with me and would ask ME for advice, and they are now KILLING it in the gym. I am so incredibly proud of them, but I can’t help but be jealous. I feel uncomfortable and insecure in the gym. Yeah, my belly is (mostly) flat, but I can barely squat what I used to warm up with. My traps are nearly gone, and the only reason my shoulders still exist is because I was blessed with them genetically. I have no one to blame for this backslide but myself. I’m not posting this because I want pity or someone to tell me I look great! Because it honestly has nothing to do with anyone else. Kyle tells me daily how beautiful I am and how much he loves my body, and I am so appreciative of that. But I don’t see it, and I need to change that. I’m putting this here for accountability. I found a local old-school gym that I want to try out. Their prices are reasonable and they have great reviews. I’m determined to get back to the mental and physical state that I was. I want to bust out of my jeans because my quads are jacked. I want to need new t-shirts because my arms don’t fit. I have my goals, and I WILL reach them. No more excuses.

Thanks for listening to me whine.

Mental Health

*Trigger Warning: This post includes talk about anxiety,depression, and eating habits. If those subjects could have negative effects, please come back tomorrow for a new post. Love always.*

Good morning, friends! Can we talk about something serious and so dear to my heart for a second? Mental Health. If you have read my About Me, you already know anxiety and depression are things I have suffered from. I currently battle with anxiety and minor bouts of depression, but NOTHING will compare to what I was going through at this time last year. I was miserable. I wish I could tell you what triggered the downward spiral, but I really can’t. I have guesses because around this time last year there were lots of changes in my personal and professional life. I had also been on a birth control that had side effects of depression, but I had already been on it for a year prior. Apparently your body can one day have a side effect it has never had before to a certain medication that you have been on for a long time. Anyways, I am writing this post because mental health is something I am working on in my life on a daily basis and I want to share some love. I am working on my self-talk and also how I talk to other people. I am working on being real with myself about certain situations and trying to avoid having a “perfectionist’s mindset.” With social media, I think this is the hardest part, but I always have to remind myself that I only post the good things and so does everyone else. The above quote is something I strive for daily because we can get so caught up in fad diets and quick-fix workout routines, but in the end, we need to focus on who we are as human beings. You may have abs or fabulous glutes, but are you TRULY happy? And if your answer to that is “no,” I urge you to pursue help. This also goes well beyond the gym. To my mamas out there, I see you busting ass to make sure the kids are eating healthy and getting to bed at a reasonable hour. I promise the chicken nuggets for dinner or the unwashed dishes will not tarnish your kiddos futures. And the student that is currently considering throwing her laptop across the library and telling everyone around her to go eff themselves, I see you. It’s almost over boo. I see the light at the end of the tunnel. And to the young person that has had some things at work that just aren’t going right and you’re wondering how in the world you’re going to make this holiday season work, I’m cheering for you. You are not alone. You are not weak. You are not abnormal. You are a human being. Give yourself a break. *hugs*

A little dose of Georgia love.