Gettin’ real…

*Trigger Warning- I’ll be talking about my body, mental health and insecurities. If these could possibly trigger a bad feeling or set you back on your mental health journey, please skip this post. I’ll be back next week with (FINALLY) a post about the house.*

This is me at what I would consider my best shape. My body did whatever I wanted it to. I was hitting PR’s, and I couldn’t walk past a mirror without flexing and LOVING what I saw. My body was transforming, and so was my mind. I was kicking the former “Michele’s” ass and taking names. I was at the gym 4 times a week, and I never missed a Monday. And then one day, everything came tumbling down. Depression set in and I hated stepping foot in the gym. I was hitting a plateau (something I was warned would happen) and I started second guessing myself. I would just sit and cry and I never fully understood why. A dark cloud hung over me, and I couldn’t explain what was happening. Family would tell me I had so much to be thankful for, and I needed to see that. *FYI* WORST thing to say to someone that is suffering from depression. We aren’t ungrateful, we are lost. I started slacking at the gym and eventually decided, maybe I just needed time away. I was burned out and needed a break. Well that was 10 months ago, and I’ve only been back to a gym maybe 15 times. I am nowhere near where I used to be, and I HATE what I see in the mirror. Kyle and I went to Braves Opening Day and I cropped our first Opening Day photo (2011) next to this one and I was horrified. I didn’t even look like me. It’s not that I’m fat. I have fat without a doubt, but it’s that I’m just not “me” anymore. I have always been athletic and when I looked at myself, I knew I could do anything. I could lift anything. I could run without issue. But this week, I ran on Monday afternoon and my hips STILL hurt. I’ve let myself go, and I am so disappointed. I see people that used to work out with me and would ask ME for advice, and they are now KILLING it in the gym. I am so incredibly proud of them, but I can’t help but be jealous. I feel uncomfortable and insecure in the gym. Yeah, my belly is (mostly) flat, but I can barely squat what I used to warm up with. My traps are nearly gone, and the only reason my shoulders still exist is because I was blessed with them genetically. I have no one to blame for this backslide but myself. I’m not posting this because I want pity or someone to tell me I look great! Because it honestly has nothing to do with anyone else. Kyle tells me daily how beautiful I am and how much he loves my body, and I am so appreciative of that. But I don’t see it, and I need to change that. I’m putting this here for accountability. I found a local old-school gym that I want to try out. Their prices are reasonable and they have great reviews. I’m determined to get back to the mental and physical state that I was. I want to bust out of my jeans because my quads are jacked. I want to need new t-shirts because my arms don’t fit. I have my goals, and I WILL reach them. No more excuses.

Thanks for listening to me whine.

Eating Humble Pie

 

Good morning, everyone! I hope you are having a wonderful holiday season and enjoying yourselves! I just wanted to stop through and share a quick thought that has been weighing on me a little bit lately.

The hardest part for me about getting back to the gym is seeing how much strength I have lost in the down time. I go to throw up some weight that I used to warm up with, and I can barely get under it. Mentally that is the hardest thing to overcome, and today I really had to grit my teeth and remind myself where I started before, and what I went through to make it to where I was at my peak.

I walked into the gym this morning and started my cardio. I despise running and anything cardio related, so I take that as an indication that I should probably do it more often. Anyways, after I finished I walked over to the free weights and started working shoulders. I noticed next to me was a girl shoulder pressing a weight that I really hadn’t tried in a while. It used to be a “warm up” weight for me so I thought (foolishly), “She’s significantly smaller than me (I know, it was an asshole thought) and I can easily do that.” So I grabbed the dumbbells, pushed them to my shoulders and repped out… nothing. Yep. ZERO REPS. I snorted, quickly put the weights back in their rightful place, and grabbed a lighter pair. Did I want to crawl in a hole and die? Most definitely. Did I want to go to the bathroom and cry, because I was quickly reminded of what I am no longer able to do? No doubt. But I didn’t. I complimented her on her awesome body (She was long and lean but very strong), put my headphones back in, and sucked it the eff up.

Theodore Roosevelt said, “Comparison is the thief of joy,” and damn was he spot on.

I just wanted to remind everyone that sometimes you have to take a step back, and be realistic with yourself. It’s something you have to be conscious of every single time you walk into a gym. That girl’s journey is not my journey. Her goals are not my goals. Her future is not my future. And her body is NOT my body. To compare myself to her would not be fair to me or to her. She’s obviously worked hard to get where she is. Instead of trying to skip those steps and jump right back in where I left off, I have to earn that spot. I’ve done it before, I’ll do it again and better.

Happy Holidays everyone!

Love always.